Helping Others and Helping Myself- Finding That Balance

There have been few times over the last several weeks when I’ve gotten into the space I fell into this evening- a space I didn’t want to be in just a few days before I head back to New York to prep for my job this coming year.

All the Adamahniks were required to present their “Speak Your Truth,” an assignment that encouraged us to think about our summer here at Adamah and how we feel it has affected us and our plans for the future. 

One young Israeli woman was the last to speak- she got up and recited a poem in Hebrew, translated it into English, and then spoke about her Adamah experience. Her talk was confusing, and it seemed to me that she had decided to relay the negative experiences she’d had this summer, and all her struggles in dealing with a culture and language with which she was unfamiliar. While she was up there talking, I was thinking, “No, don’t do this, just be positive, end off on a good note.” I think that, having had five individuals get up before this girl and open up their hearts, expressing how Adamah has made them a better person, we were all in a sensitive space, needing to hear the same type of response from this girl. But it seemed she had decided to say what was really on her mind. She later told me that what had come across to me as negative was really just part of her poem recitation that ended off on a positive note on something that made her feel alive while at the Isabella Freedman.

But that’s not what’d I’d heard- perhaps I was anticipating something a little too truthful from someone who was not the typical American who may decide to sugar coat a summer experience, but to speak from the heart. Perhaps I’d allowed myself to get too involved in her struggles with feeling excluded from spontaneous group outings; in her trying to communicate messages that were not being heard, or at least understood, by those in our cohort; with the horrific events of Israel, affecting her family and community, that the others seemed to diminish among all that happens on the program. She was the first Adamahnik I had met as we took the train together to Falls Village, and I admit that I had felt a certain connection to this girl I hadn’t felt with others. We both grew up Orthodox and were passionate about remaining connected to our Yiddishkeit (Judaism), despite the number of instances in which this became difficult, with so many Adamahniks who grew up, or became secular. 

But after ending a difficult year, I swore this summer would be different- that I would go to Adamah with open arms and an open mind, distancing myself from negative people who may affect my summer for the worse. This girl and I got along well, and had some good conversations. But how close did I want to get to someone who may end up pulling me down with her, among all of her struggles?

Following her speech, the others went off to dinner, as I remained sitting silent, confused. Did I misunderstood what this girl had said? Was the summer really all that bad, that she spoke about “death everywhere around me,” from the squirrel having been run over on the road, to her family friend who was killed in a car accident just a few weeks before, to her feeling dead inside from being excluded and unheard in her Adamah community?

After speaking with a friend, I recognized that was this girl said was a trigger- of years earlier, when I had felt alone and depressed… excluded from everyone and everything. Trying to reach out to people, but feeling ignored; trying to be understood as a religious teenager in a world, on a high school campus where social pressures were everywhere. Feeling hopeless and helpless, and wondering if there was anyone in the world who cared, or wanted to support me and help me in my challenges. When a friend turns to you in need and you want to help, but feel that it will cause conscious or subconscious triggers that will cause you to be in a space that you’ve tried to shut and lock away, how do you respond?

I’ve tried to distance myself from negativity, anger, intensity, drama, passive aggression- the responses and activities that had caused anguish, and used up so much of my energy. I’m done, I said to myself at the beginning of the summer. Now, positivity, newness, positive energy. If I sense drama, just let it go.

But Israel is so much a part of me that all of this will come back to me, whether through the news, or through a messenger sent as a fellow Adamahmik… I’ll be going back to the stresses of New York in under a week, and all of this may show up once again, whether I’m ready or not. So do I push it away, decide that these qualities are “not for me,” or do I support my friend, my religious country in times of need?

Yes, Adamah has helped me in so many ways- it was good, good, and good. But it wasn’t all good for everyone. Perhaps it’s finding that balance in helping others… but also taking care of myself in times when I really just need positive energy in my life.